Handling grief in the time of Corona.

Talamunian #1

Talamunian is not a real word. I borrowed it from a very good friend. In Filipino, tala means to note or to record. Muni or muni-muni means thoughts. TALAMUNIAN means a record of thoughts. It’s like a journal or a diary. But for my friend, he just used this word as a folder where he keeps his porn collection. I want to turn it around. Now it’s on Medium, no? It will be a podcast soon.

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Photo by Diego PH on Unsplash

A New Project

The month of August is about to end and I am creating a series of passion projects in the next few months. Today, I will write a blog on Medium. Blogging has been very helpful for me back in college and even in my 20s. I am not an excellent writer, but the mere practice of writing is very close to my heart. It is also therapeutic.

I have decided to do this not just to make me sane during the pandemic, but also to document and audit what’s going on in my life. A life audit is very helpful, especially during dark times, to manage our energy. We add what makes us better. We remove what doesn’t. We consume what makes us wise. We eliminate the energy that pulls us down.

You can do a life audit at any age or stage of life. Don’t waste time on things that aren’t necessary or good for you. Life is short. Do the bits you have to do and use the rest of your life to have a wonderful time.- Caroline Righton

This project is also my love letter to my future self. They are open “letters” that can also benefit you (I hope).

Who am I?

Furdaddy to 2 cute cats.

If you do not know me, I am Darby Raul. I am a walking contradiction. I am sometimes shy. I am sometimes the life of the party. I am an organized person. I can also be messy. I am an overthinker. But I am also impulsive. I am overconfident but driven by a bunch of insecurities.

I am currently working in the Government and working with Micro-Entrepreneurs. We help them grow. We market backyard industries. We do counseling and consultancies especially for those entrepreneurs with no business background. It’s probably one of the jobs suited for me as it is very flexible and not routinary.

I also handle a team of young business counselors with diverse personalities. This is huge for me and probably something challenging, as I consider myself still young to handle such responsibility at work. More about my job in the future blogs.

I am a fitness geek. Well, I try to. I work out several days a week. One day I just decided to not be skinny and frail. I went to the gym and the rest is history. Now people ask me a lot about fitness, so you get to see health and fitness articles in the future, too.

I also love to travel. Unfortunately, we have travel restrictions everywhere because of the health crisis. I see my “highest self” when I travel.

Handling Grief in the time of Corona.

Photo by Jan Huber on Unsplash

This year was very difficult for everybody, not just for me, or for my family, but probably for most of the people alive today. As I write this, we already lost 4.42 Million People because of COVID. I assume at this point, we personally know someone who had the virus or died because of the virus.

My mom died 3 months ago because of Liver Cancer. It was really unexpected because we thought she survived it for good. She was diagnosed in 2018. Survived it the same year. Led a normal life, not until January of 2021 when she started complaining about her abdominal pains.

Her last night was really traumatic for me. I had to administer morphine every single hour, and she hated that medicine. I had to hear her shout in pain. I had to hear her pray, desperately asking God to take her already. I still dream about that night. I still cry whenever I remember that moment.

Photo by Adam Nieścioruk on Unsplash

The pandemic made the whole process worse. When mom was still sick, going in and out of hospitals was a struggle. We had to be extra careful to not get COVID while inside the hospital premises. Normal hospital bills skyrocketed. When she was on her death bed, no one was able to visit her. When she died, we only had one night for her wake. We cannot even hug our relatives. And now, we are stuck in our own rooms, processing grief, mostly alone, because of the restrictions of the pandemic. Social media and video conferences with friends made it easier though.

But grief is grief. Whether it’s grieving during the pandemic or grieving during the war, there is no “one-size-fits-all grief”. It is unforgiving. It is rough. But surprisingly, grief is also “tough love” in disguise cause it taught me a lot of lessons about life (and death). Here are some of my reflections:

1. ON REGRETS- When my mom was on her death bed, I felt a sense of regret that I did not spend more time with her when she was healthy. But life is like that. Regretting things will just make things worse. I often assure myself that even though I did not spend a lot of time with my mom when she was alive, the imperfections of our relationship made our relationship perfect. I made peace with that.
2. ON DEATH- When my mom took her last breath, although painful on our part, it was also a very powerful, very beautiful, and very majestic scene. Death is beautiful. I am not sure why we are afraid of it, but when I remember how my mom handled death, I realized it was not that bad at all. My mom died really pretty and cancer did not take that away from her. When I saw her lifeless body, I realized that our bodies are just suits that we just need to wear to walk around on earth.
3. ON GRIEF- When I had to apply for my mom’s death certificate last week, I broke down. Grief is not a stage-by-stage process. I’m back to the “denial” stage after convincing myself I have moved on. I realized that there is no moving on when you lose a parent. You just have to live with it, the highs, the lows, and the rock bottom lows. And that’s ok and it’s part of being human.
4. ON COPING- Like what I’ve said earlier, there is no one-size-fits-all in processing grief. Coping mechanisms vary. Prior to my mom’s death, I prepared myself mentally and physically. I did work out almost every day. I meditated. I prepared and expected the worst. After her death, all routines continued. I made sure that I get enough exercise every day. Working out. Biking. Moving. Stretching.

Plans in September

Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

1. Wake up at 5 am. I consistently wake up at 5 am but stopped when mom died. I am planning to start the habit again. In the book The 5 AM Club by Robin Sharma, it has been said many times that the first hour of the day is the most crucial and most important part of the day. This is where you have to spend time with yourself. According to Sharma, the first 20 minutes of the day should be spent on exercise and movement. The second 20 minutes should be spent in reflection and meditation. The last 20 minutes should be spent learning new things.
2. Count Calories. For some, this is tedious work. But in my case, I am enjoying doing this habit. It is also a mindfulness practice. You have to track and monitor the amount of energy you consume. Calorie counting also allows me to pick on whole foods (most likely to be low in calories) and minimize, not eliminate, processed foods (most likely to be high in calories). I am currently on a bulking phase and on a dirty bulk. I gained a relatively bad weight. So I had to go on a lean bulk.
3. Work on Passion Projects. This Medium blog is one of the many creative pursuits I am planning to do. I will also be producing a new podcast and probably a project about health and fitness. Let us see how this will go.

Ending this Talamunian with the picture of my mom. This was also my wallpaper since she died. She was really pretty here.